Mind Stories

Well , akhir-akhir ini aku merasa banyak sekali hal yang terjadi di tahun 2022. Susah, sedih, senang bercampur dan terus berotasi. Sebagai bentuk pengingat, aku ingin menuliskan betapa berwarnanya tahun ini bagiku dengan membuat daftar pengalaman berkesan yang ku peroleh pertama kalinya di tahun ini. Pertama kalinya trekking Aku rasa terakhir kali aku melakukan kegiatan ala pecinta alam saat SMP, sewaktu aku ikut Pramuka. Di masa SMA dan kuliah, mana sempat aku ikut 😋 Kembali melakukan aktivitas fisik, menempuh jarak PP 14km penuh tanjakan dan turunan curam di usia ku yang sekarang tentu saja cukup membuat trauma lahir batin. Tapi faktanya, aku sudah 3x treking di tahun ini hahahaha Pertama kalinya daftar beasiswa Di masa-masa pengangguran setelah memutuskan resign akhir tahun 2021, ambisiku untuk lanjut sekolah memuncak. Di awal tahun, aku buru-buru daftar beasiswa yang ku inginkan. Tapi, tentu saja ditolak hahahaha. Tidak apa-apa, aku sadar betul dengan persiapan yang super minim, f...

Hi, it is me coming back with things happened around me the whole month. I would like to give this month an award of unstable life of the year. I began the month with the answer I have been looking for the past years. The question that was just popped up most of the time in my mind with various speculation about the answers. How did I feel back then? Devastated. Thought I never expect anything before but while I heard the answered, it just made my heart scattered into peaces. At least, I needed 2-3 days to recover for all the heart-broken season. It was great recovery yet stressful as i had to face the unreasonable workload due to Audit and Inspection at work. How could it possible to work on those two things in the consecutive weeks? My energy, my thoughts, my emotion were just draining out. I experienced going home at 10.30 p.m while the traveling time took around 1.5-2 hours. Then the next morning, I had to be functional again. I have followed my friend’s suggestion to find someone ...

That thought keeps spinning inside my head, mostly when I feel hopeless romantic. A friend of mine always says that I don’t need to be insecure about myself. But I can’t lie, I am, sometimes. I keep trying to see inside myself. What else do I need to improve? What’s kinda effort I need to make? What’s kinda charm I have to show? No, you never ask me to do anything. You don’t make me feel like I’m a different person. Either way, you always let me and lead me to be the most of myself. You know me already. And that just makes me... want you; to be with you. For me, you’re an impressive human being, so I keep working to be like that too. But, every time I have those thought, I’m ended it with a question: “is it really worth to invest my energy, my mind, my feeling for this?” Ps. I kinda wish you read this but at the same time i don’t want you to know anything about my complex thought about you. Perhaps, if you read this, would you answer my questions?

Another early year. I won't talk about the stress I've got since the peak of pandemic happened in mid year and made me feel exhausted. It was a nightmare that i wish I'd never go through anymore. I'd like to say that i fall in love with myself since last year, i got a lot of happy things i had never imagined i could get. I've read some inspiring books and those led me to understand more about myself. I feel calm at most of time; can't lie tho when PMS days coming i still feel a bit unstable. I often sit in front of my laptop with a blank ms.word page, figuring out what kinda potentials i have then typing how highly rate i am. I don't hold grudge anymore; especially with my ex; and tend to express what i think. I'm good enough at holding myself from texting unnecessary messages to my crush. Ah ya, I'm between oversharing or never sharing person. The moody side of me still force me to say what i wanna say but thankfully, i feel like my brain works well...

I know it's really hard to accept that someone we fall in to, doesn't do the same. I mean, who says one-sided love is easy and fun? The first thing you need to do is accepting, nothing else. After that, you may cry as hard as you wish. Trust me, you will feel much better. Then you get tired of crying, your sense will come back. You'll start to think, is he/she even worth your teardrops? But you will deny all logic and put 'how deep your feeling' to him/her as your shield. You feel like you need time to heal but in fact, you spend your time thinking about him/her again. Every corner of your mind will be filled with his/her shadow. You keep recalling memories about him/her. It's a long journey and nobody should rush you. Your state is in between. Forgetting him/her is as hurt as you loving him/her. Maybe then you start to hate. How could a human creature make you feel like this? But you realize, it was the decision from a long time ago before you fell in love. You...

((except he/she is toxic for your life)) I once a bit understand about the regrets of pushing someone away just because I didn't want someone else feel hurt. Bur instead, I hurt. He was the one who tell me lot of thing about how to live freely, the one who did the homework with me in every free time, the one whom I talked cheerfully about what I thoughts, the one who showed his kindness as simple as bring me lunch box, the one who helped me a lot in teasing my ex, the one who made me brave riding motorbike up to 80 km/h, and the one who challenged me being 'me' in; unexpectedly; better ways. We had not been in deep discussion because we didn't want nor need to make something complicated. His ex hate me so much and somehow I felt guilty so I did stupid act: pushed him away even he tried to be the one who spent much time for having discussion with me. He understood what I've tried to do so we rarely talked and texted since that time. And now I miss him, a lot. It'...